The Legendary Tales of Kevin Ryman
by Tangora
Summary: Tales the likes of which threaten such literary giants as Plato, Shakespeare, and that one british author everyone is so obsessed about. You know, what's her face. Anyway, it's awesome, RxR
1. Kevin vs Moby Dick

"Pass me another one!" Kevin Ryman, the exuberant officer yelled out at the bar keep.

"Dammit Kevin! You're gonna die of alochol poisoning if you keep at it!" the man behind the bar told him.

"Right..." Kevin said, rolling his eyes. He looked over at the other guys around the bar. Some of them had broken up with their girlfriend's, wives, whatever. Officer Ryman didn't care; He was just here to have a good time, drink some booze, and laugh with his good chums whom he had just met two minutes ago.

"Hey buddies," Kevin spoke up to the men he hardly even knew. "Have I ever told you about the time I defeated Moby Dick?" He rung up his glass and drank it back, putting it back on the bar. "Pass me another," he told the bar keep.

"No."

"Well fuck you then. Anyway, it all started on a cold, November morning..."

-------------------

I was riding out to sea with my two good friends, Mack and Nathan. We were hunting the great white whale, Moby Dick, with an intent to kill. Mack's son and daughter were killed by the beast, and after he was done eating their bones, it slept with Nathan's wife.

"Son of a bitch whale... how am I going to explain to the kids at the office how my son looks nothing like me and is 300 pounds!" Nathan complained. He's always complaining, the stuck up little tart.

"Shut up Nathan," I said, one knee up on the very front of the boat as it sailed forward at excess of mach speed squared. A normal man would've died this far in front, but not good ol' Kevin, no siree.

--------------------

"You're full of shit Ryman!" one of the drunk bastards at the bar said to him.

"Shut up! Who asked you anyway?" Kevin asked ducking out of the way of a beer bottle flung at him. "Anyway, continuing with the tale..."

-------------------

We were flying down the open sea, going fast enough to whip skin off your bones. And then we saw it!

"Sir! It's the white whale! Moby Dick!" It came crashing out of the water; It's eyes were blood red and it's soul merciless. It knew but one thing: How to kill.

"Oh my God!" Mack yelled, dying of a heart attack when it came into sight.

"Dammit Mack!" I yelled, punching him in the chest and bringing him back to life from the shock.

"Thanks Kevin, I almost died back there."

"You may still die yet. Look!" I pointed grimly as the whale opened it's mouth wide to reveal 500 ravor sharp teeth, built like chainsaws and quivering with the insane might of the monster. It's nostrils spewed out grey smoke, and blood flew out of it's blow hole.

The might beast charged the boat, it's intent to destroy it with enough force to shake the Earth's core, killing all of humanity. But it didn't count on good ol' Kevin Ryman to be there.

"That bastard is gonna kill us all! Nathan! My harpoon gun!" I lept from the front and held my hand out towards Nathan, who at the time was driving the boat and couldn't see the whale, therefore not die of a heart attack.

He threw the gun towards me, and I quickly caught it and aimed it at the white monstrosity.

"Kill it Ryman, for my wife!" Nathan yelled as the monster opened it's mouth even wider. And that's when I saw it.

Deep within it's cavernous mouth lay the very entrance to hell itself. The souls of the damned and demons flew around within it, trying to escape everything outside of the beasts belly. I was too stunned to fire, when suddenly, out of the depths of hell itself came the largest, most destructive nuclear missle ever to be seen by man!

"Dear God, if that thing fires, it'll destroy the whole universe!" I had one chance, and this was it. It was now, or never. Do or die. Large or small. Diet Coke or regular. Pepsi or Coke. Paper or plastic. The purple drapes or the flowery ones.

With all my might I pulled the trigger of the gun, the force of it sending me flying back against a wall. The harpoon flew forward just as the giant whale, Moby Dick, prepared to fire. It inserted through his abdomen and flew forward, striking him right in the heart. The ugly beast's eyes shrunk as it's entire body exploded, sending our ship flying through the air.

When we came to, me, Nathan, and Mack had crash landed in the middle of a miami nude beach party. Oh did I get laid. A lot.

------------------

"And that my friend's is the story of how I defeated Captain Hook," I said proudly, lighting a cigarette. "They even made a novel of it too. They called it, 'Alice in Wonderland.'"

The other bar patrons stared at Kevin for a bit before one of them finally spoke up. "Ryman, you are so full of shit, I am wondering how the hell you aren't labeled 'Manure' and being used as fertilizer."

Kevin leaned back and took a long drag from his cigarette. "Really?" He stuffed it into the ashtray, burning it out. "Well then, maybe you would like my foot a mile into your ass!"

Kevin slammed into a street light when he was flung out of the bar, injuring his back slightly.

"God, DAMMIT!" he yelled out holding onto it. He cracked his jaw and shook himself as he stood. "Well, the night's still young. Maybe I'll find another bar, one with friendlier people. And if I can't, I know J's will welcome me."

With a last look at the slightly bent street lamp, Kevin started off into the night.


	2. Kevin saves Hyrule

_A/N: Thanks for reviewing! If you did that is... which most of you didn't. That's right, I'm looking at you 007._

Kevin Ryman stumbled through the streets, wandering past hookers, and drug dealers, and people in gas masks carrying MP5s as he swaggered on towards the next bar. When he strode through the door he shouted out, "Hi everybody!" The people in the bar grumbled some things and one of them shouted, "Go to hell!"

Kevin strode towards the bar and sat down, slamming some money down on it. "Get me a cold one Jack."

"This isn't J's bar Kevin, and even if it was, Jack himself doesn't serve the drinks," the disgruntled bar keep said.

Kevin scowled at him. "Whatever. Jack, Jacob, Mr. Kangaroo, it's all the same. Anyway, get me a cold one." A bottle flew past Kevin's face, crashing into the ground.

"There's your cold one, mack," some drunk and disorderly man said, falling off his chair and peeing on himself.

"Eww... Hey! In order to distract ourselves from the smell of urine, how about I tell you good chaps a story. A legendary story. One filled with action, adventure, romance, desire..."

"Is this a story or a shampoo comercial? Get to the kicking!" someone yelled out. Kevin couldn't make out who it was, probably due to the fact that he had a gas mask on and a crap load of armor.

"Alright alright, don't get your panties in a knot. So there I was, in a huge field that goes by the name, Hyrule Field..."

------------------

I was riding along atop my noble white steed, Lightning Bolt. We were flying along, bugs, worms, and eagles flying behind us, struggling to keep up with Lighting Bolt's immense speed. I was racing towards the giant castle in the distance when the sky turned a crimson red and the earth started spewing lava.

"Holy crap Lightning Bolt! It must be the evil wizard!" I looked up into the sky. Looming up high in the air was the evil wizard who was known by the name, "Zurg!"

Evil laughter came down from above as the evil wizard Zurg cackled. "Nothing can save you now Kevin! Nothing, not even Ozzy Osbourne!" he shouted. He began shooting meteors down at me from his palms.

Lightning Bolt and I did everything we could to avoid them, from swerving left and right, to rolling over, to jumping, to having Lightning Bolt open his mouth and shoot out of the 40mm vulcan cannon located in the back of his throat.

"Come on Lightning Bolt! We have to make it! Do the ol' 22-63!" I shouted at my noble steed. Lightning Bolt nodded and lept in the air. He started jumping from one meteor to another, making his way up towards the evil wizard.

"What, this can't be! I will destroy you all!" The evil wizard brought his hands back and generated enough supernova energy in them to destroy seven Denny's and an IHOP. "Now is where you die Kevin Ryman!" He brought his hands forward just as I lept off my noble steed.

"Not today Zurg!" I yelled out as I jumped kicked him square in the chest.

Zurg's eyes bulged and he spat out blood. "My chest! My one weakness! How did you guess!?" he shouted out at me as his body began to glow.

"Kevin Ryman never guesses, he just knows!" I yelled out as he exploded, sending me flying away. I burst through a wall and looked up to see some girl in pink with long ears.

"My name is Zelda, and your the first man I've seen in my whole life. Now lets have wild sex for months on end," she said coming towards me. I looked away from her.

"I would, but I have a promise to keep." I kept looking away from her when she said, "Forget about the promise! Please, have sex with me Kevin Ryman!" I looked at her and reluctantly said, "Sure, alright." Then we had so much sex that afterwards I had to have an IV pump fluid back into my body. Oh yeah, Kevin Ryman scores again. Swish.

----------------

"And that's how I rescued Princess Peach from Donkey Kong," Kevin said with a proud smile. Almost everybody in the bar had already stopped paying attention. All except one.

The gas masked man came up to him and said, "Is that it!? Just one lousy kick!? You could've done more than that!" He picked Kevin up by the collar and started throttling him.

"Hey man, back off! And why do you sound so familiar?" Kevin brought his leg up and kicked the man away from him. Unbeknownest to Kevin, that man that was throttling him was actually Kevin Ryman from the future! Using his time suit, he travelled back to ensure the survival of mankind's hero in the future: Jim Chapman!

Future Kevin stepped back a little, realizing that if past him discovered the truth, it would destroy the world. He coughed and made himself sound as girly as possible. "Um, I don't know. I never met you before. My name's Luke. Luke Skywalker." He grinned beneath his gas mask, knowing his plan had succeeded.

"Whatever," past Kevin said moving towards the exit. He could just feel the gay vibes coming off of this odd man in the battle suit. "I'd better be-HOLY CRAP! LOOK IT'S A LION!" Kevin pointed behind future Kevin then ran out the front door.

"Where!?" Future Kevin yelled out turning around and aiming his .45 around. "Hey... there's no lion here."

Outside, Kevin ran forward, not even daring to look behind him as he stepped over a puddled, slipped and fell on his back. "Oww."


	3. Kevin vs The French

A/N: Shame on you, Saddler doesn't like it when you don't review my stories. That means you Bond. I swear I'll see you in hell.

Kevin walked down the sidewalk, wiping water off his back from the puddle. "Damn, my only clean uniform..." he muttered. He was about to walk into the next bar he was heading to when someone pulled him into an alleyway.

"Oh God! Don't beat me repeatedly without reason! Oh wait, I'm a cop. I'm supposed to do that to you. Why I oughta..." Kevin started shaking his fist as he walked towards his captor.

The blonde girl in red backed away a little bit and said, "Not so fast hot shot. My name's Alyssa Ashcroft and I want to ask you a few questions." She took took out a notebook and then started walking towards Kevin with a devious look in her eyes.

Kevin stepped back a bit before saying, "Well, fancy meeting you here. Name's Kevin Ryman. My phone number is..."

"No. Not those kind of questions."

"Then what? You want to know how long my..."

"NO! I don't." She glared at him and crumpled up her page on the notebook. "Fine, I'll ask someone else about those murders..." She walked away with her notebook in one hand and her laptop in the other.

Kevin shrugged her off but committed the name to memory anyway as he walked into the bar. "Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Ryman has arrived!" A bottle smashed against the wall next to him as he had his hands raised. He went the nonchalant route and played it cool, sliding to the bar. "Get me some water, I've had a lot to drink tonight and I need to flush my system out. later."

Kevin looked around at the men all around him. "Hey fellas, did I ever tell ya about the time I defeated Anton Girdeux..."

----------------------------------------------

There I was, in the middle of the Washington DC park, taking out terrorists with my .45. "Die you terrorist scum! This is America! You have no right to be here!" I shouted as I riddled the masses with bullets. I had already stopped the viral bombs from going off, captured Mara Aramov, and intercepted their communications uplink. As I finished saving some captured government agents, I realized there was one thing left to do.

"Anton Girdeux, I hope you're being paid enough to get your ass kicked by the one, the only, the legend, Kevin Ryman!" I pointed up at him as he jumped down from the statue at the freedom memorial in the park.

"Kevin Ryman! I believe that you are the one who will get a kick in the rump! Mahaha, m'yes." That French bastard had it coming, I thought to myself as I jumped from behind a pillar, .45 at the ready.

"Die you bastard!" I shouted, shooting him multiple times in the face and chest. "Heh... what!?" I said, awestricken as he began laughing.

"This armor is impenatrable by even the strongest firearms. You, Kevin Ryman, are history!" He pumped up his flamethrower and started shooting blasts of fire my way.

"Shit!" I yelled diving forward and aiming my .45 at him once more. "Your armor may be impenatrable, but you forgot one very important thing!"

He pointed his flamethrower at me and prepared to pull the trigger. "And what might that be, Ryman?" I grinned and fired, bursting his fuel tank and igniting him aflame.

"I'm Kevin Ryman!" As he stood there burning in flames, he pulled out his last wild card. He hit a button on his wrist causing his armor to morph and change shape.

"What!?" I yelled in shock as he transformed in front of my eyes into a giant robot!

"Ryman! You thought you could destroy me! In 15 seconds, my body shall explode, destroying not just this universe, but every other universe in existance and, or, non-existance!"

That bastard was a maniac and had to be stopped! But how? I looked to the side of the memoral and spotted the Spear of Longinus! "Yes!" I yelled out grabbing ahold of it and holding it up high.

"You won't be destroying any universes today!" I yelled out as I flung it right through his heart, destroying him completely. When I came to, I was surrounded by money. Apparently the Freedom Memorial was a giant safe created by a rich tycoon whose last words were, "He who should find my vast riches, shall earn it all."

-------------------------------------------

"And that's how I beat Donald Trump at Monopoly," Kevin said as he grinned. Nobody smiled except him. "Bastards. You know what, screw you guys, I'm going somewhere where I'm appreciated." With that, Kevin left in a huffy mood.

"Lousy sons of bitches..." he murmured as he stepped on a rat. The rat squeaked at him, then bit his leg. "Oww! Bastard."


End file.
